Life lately

I like to think that my life is relatively boring lately. I have had trouble blogging for awhile, hence only two posts in almost two years . . . Yikes! I will admit it is not because I don't have time, because I have much more free time than when I started the blog in March of 2009.

I started this blog because I was just coming out of a rough few months in my life and I needed a creative outlet that would be a way for me to show that even through much darkness, sadness, and anxiety, there is still hope, healing, and light. Both sides do exist and I wanted to challenge myself, through this blog, to remember those things that would lift me up verses tear me down.

I have failed in this in the past while. I apologize mostly to myself because very few people read this. I have had some family members try to push me to update more often because apparently they like hearing from me, but I have protested inside myself believing I don't have much to say or contribute that would be of any value. I devalue my own life and experiences. I tend to live life through other people, especially in my family, so I don't focus on what is lacking in mine.

Despite all of this, and despite all the darkness that can gather around me, I want to try again. I do want to show myself and the world that I have the ability to see the hope and the good things around me. I know I am very blessed. I know that I have friends and family who love me and I thank God for them. I am amazed at how God continues to place people in my path who genuinely grow to love all of me --even the dark and twisty parts --and who challenge me to be my best self. I am overwhelmed with the love I am shown by these special people in my life and I do not deserve them.

More than anything I am trying to live the serenity prayer. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." The hard part is having wisdom. Perhaps in all of my trials lately, especially since I graduated from BYU, I am being challenged to learn wisdom and especially patience. I am working on not seeing this life as a race against others, although this has been a stumbling block for me my entire life. Comparison games and occasional feelings of inadequacy and even envy have plagued me, especially recently. I recognize this and I pray God will strengthen me to have the courage to move forward in my life, even though it is not following what I would have chosen for myself. However, God knows me and what I need. I am working on trusting in Him.