Thoughts on Graduation

It is now April and in just 13 days I will be graduating from Brigham Young University, a goal I have had for myself since I was a very young girl. It is strange for me to be at this place because I have no precedent for how life will be after college. My entire life up until this point has revolved around academics and academic achievement. Growing up I was seen by my peers as the nerd, the “over-achiever,” and was even voted “most ambitious girl” when I was in 9^th grade. I always had very high expectations for myself and for what I would accomplish in life, and graduating from BYU was just the start.

I came to BYU back in the fall of 2005 very excited to be in college, but at the same time I was extremely naive and honestly thought that my big trials were behind me. I had gone through much in my teenage years and I truly believed that I was on to “bigger and better things.” I dreamed of a boyfriend, eventual marriage, and a bachelor’s degree that would propel me into graduate school immediately. I believed that life was a series of checklists and sort of like a staircase, slowly ascending levels until one reached the top and was “finished.” Very soon into my freshman year my hopes and dreams of a fun-filled, carefree college experience wasted away. Life became very difficult and painful and I was left to wonder why I was so weak to fall into the same pits as I had throughout high school.

I will not bore you or depress you with the details of my trials experienced in the last five years, I only wish to illustrate one of the most important lessons I have learned. Life does not always go as you planned. In fact, life changes so quickly that it is necessary to be flexible and emotionally strong to handle all the changes that come. I have been beaten down many times in the past five years, but I have also learned I am strong and despite the many battles I have fought I have not been kept down. I have never given up all hope, and it is because of my family, friends, and especially the mercy and grace of God that I am alive today. God has been so good to me and I have learned to appreciate the small things in life that contribute to my happiness. Some of these “small things” include appreciating nature, talking with my mom and getting random texts of love from her, flowers in the spring, and talking to my sister and nephews via SKYPE.

I am a much happier and positive person than I have ever been and I know that all I have been through in the past five years, and especially in the past 18 months, has led me to this place of peace. One of my favorite movies is “Life is beautiful,” and it has always amazed me that in a time of unspeakable horror (1940’s and The Holocaust) there can still be beauty. I do believe I understand this concept better now than I did five years ago and it is because of the different perspective I have gained through my many trials. Life is indeed a beautiful thing, and I am learning not to take it for granted. I am nowhere near perfect. I don’t experience being “blissfully happy” every day and I certainly still worry too much. Despite my continued struggles with my many weaknesses I am learning to let go of the obsession more often than I ever have and that is a big step in the right direction.

Life is moving on, and although I don’t have a clear idea of what I am to do next I have faith I will be able to figure it out if only I can continue to rely on God and put my trust in Him.

I will end this post with one of my favorite scriptures from The Book of Mormon. In a very difficult time of my life this once saved me.

"And now, [my daughter], remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

-Helaman 5:12

Happy March!

Yeah for the month of March! Although this will be the busiest month of the semester so far, there are great things happening too. I have birthdays in my family to celebrate and Spring is coming closer and closer. Life has been pretty crazy lately . . . nothing new, I know . . . but even though I have been stressed to the max at times, I have experienced so much joy and even peace-- feelings I know can only come from God.

http://blog.netvibes.com/top-march/

Happy February!

This is just a random post about how I cannot believe it is February already and Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't really have any negative feelings towards this holiday (even though I am single and that is sometimes the "cool" thing to do). I tend to think of Valentine's Day as a way to "spread the love." In fact, just this evening I came home from my leadership development class to find a package from my mom who sent me several gifts in honor of it being February and the month of love. She said, "Valentine's are to tell people you are thinking of them . . . so here's one for you." When I saw that she had sent me some candy and a movie to go along with it I smiled so big and said out loud, "I love my mom," and I really do. I like this idea of the meaning of valentines, and I think I will adopt it.

Show someone you love them today, even if it is just a friend, because everyone needs to smile every day.

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with my life. I wonder why I worry about so many things, especially about exams in school. I wonder why being “perfect” in school is so important to me, even when I know what a small thing it is to have a high GPA and that there is so much more for me to do other than study. I wonder if I will be able to get a job when I graduate in three months, what I will do, where I will live. I am single and this makes my possibilities endless, and this is the reason why I am having such a hard time. I am taking a social psychology class this semester, and one of the first things I read was about the costs of excess choice. In my textbook it says, “With more choice comes information overload and more opportunities for regret,” which is why freedom to choose can be so overwhelming sometimes.

This is where I am right now, and it is such a strange place to be. I have so many things to be grateful for, and so many things to celebrate, like graduating from college. However, being the person I am, I tend to “look beyond the mark” and focus on all that is unknown in my future and it is a scary thing for me. I am trying hard to remain grounded in the strength I have gained, especially in this past year, and allow that to propel myself past all the stress and frustration I am currently feeling. Life is open for me, and although choices can be very scary they can also be liberating, if I make the right ones, so I need to try harder to find the positive and remember how far I have come.

If I am successful at this maybe I will turn a corner and feel excited about what will happen after April 23.

Happy New Year! (Finally)

(My whole family while I was in AZ--minus my sister Edie and her husband and kids and my brother Jonny)

I have had a hard time trying to figure out what to write about lately. When I was at home for Christmas break I thought I would write this amazing blog detailing all my amazingly fun activities in Arizona, but I got too caught up in the bliss that comes with laziness. I also toyed with the idea with erasing my blog, but the only reason I was going to do this was due to my own sense of imperfection in writing my blog. This is pretty funny to me since I did not set out to write a "perfect blog," but my perfectionism seems to creep up everywhere!

I am right now in the beginning of my LAST semester at BYU, and I can't really believe it. Life has been going at a crazy speed lately, and I am not sure if I am ready for all the changes that are coming my way, but ready or not they will come.

One of the classes I am taking is a leadership development psychology class and in this class we have to make goals to increase our leadership skills. I have decided to focus on increasing my self-confidence and so I will be working on doing things I know I am good at every day, and then utilizing some cognitive-behavioral-therapy skills (i.e. thought monitoring, increasing positive statements) to help get my mind to not automatically think negatively about my own abilities. I am excited to work on this goal because I think improving in this area will help out in many areas of my life.

2010 will be an interesting year. Here are just a few of the BIG events happening:

1. I graduate from BYU in April! (Now that's pretty amazing)

2. My brother David and his wife Adrienne are expecting their 6TH child in May

* & my oldest (and only) niece Megan turns 10 in March . . . hard to believe

3. My sister Edie is expecting her third child due in July!

4. My dear brother Jonny (Elder Dangerfield) returns from his 2-year church mission in June

5. My Dad turns 60 in July

Time for some rest

I finished my last final yesterday afternoon and I am still in a bit of shock that the semester is now over. The past few months have been very stressful for me, and I have put myself through a lot of craziness, but I am still standing.

I learned a lot in my classes, but I am excited that they are over. If you have ever talked to me about some of my classes this semester you know what "grief " I have gone through. It is amazing to me, however, how fast the stress has dissipated and I am now ready to give myself some much needed rest. . . at least until January 4th. This is when I start winter semester and my LAST semester before graduation.

WOW! Time has gone so fast.

P.S. I am leaving 30 degree weather to 70 degree weather! I love Arizona.

'Tis the Season

It is finally December which means fall semester is almost over and Christmas break is near. I love this season of the year. I love the decorations, especially the lights, and the chance to walk through the lights up at Temple Square and the Mesa, AZ temple--when I go home for my break. Although I am an Arizonan at heart, I enjoy the transition to colder weather--to see snow and be able to warm up inside with a blanket and some hot chocolate. I just wish it would start to really snow up here in Provo--although I might retract this statement in a few months, we'll see.