My first Psalm! (Thanks to Dr. Walker)

Hope in The Light

Oh God, thou art most gracious to me;
Thou hast spared my life from an impenetrable darkness—
the fiery darts of Satan and their unyielding pain.

Thou hast never left me comfortless,
Even when my thoughts betrayed thee—
And I ceased to pray.
When I believed all was lost—and when I’ve questioned thee
I’ve been blessed with thy care.

My gratitude and joy are full;
I am humbled and honored to be thy child,
For all I am I owe to thee and thy Son.
My life belongs to thee, and forever will I serve.

Though I’ve been blinded by much sorrow,
and have wished to be erased—
Thou hast given me hope from Heaven
. . . and much healing . . .
in the light of thy Son.

I Am So Blessed!

I feel so blessed to be able to attend Brigham Young University. I don't believe that it is the university for everyone, but I do believe that it is the university for me. My entire life I wanted to go to BYU, mostly because my parents and most of my immediate relatives went there too. I didn't really even consider other universities and naively believed that if I went to BYU my life would work out just like my parents. I would go up as an eighteen year-old freshman, spend four years studying some interesting subject and would then graduate. I also assumed I would meet my spouse and get married, probably never using my degree just as my own mother had done.

But life surprised me, as it most surely does to us all, and although I did go straight to BYU after graduating from high school, after only three semesters I ended up withdrawing and going back home to Arizona. I intended to only be away from BYU for one semester, but again life surprised me and I ended up staying for a full year and a half, going to school at a community college, and having some amazing experiences I never would have been able to have had I been up at BYU. One of the greatest of these experiences was being able to work with a young boy with Autism at his house for ten months. This unexpected opportunity changed me immensely as I grew to love this sweet boy and his family.

After being at home for this time I eventually decided to come back to BYU to fulfill my childhood dream once again, and so I began again in the summer of 2008 and had fun. My life didn't stay on the straight expected path once again though, and after only four weeks into the fall semester I withdrew from the Y a second time due to health concerns. Truly this was a blow I didn't ever expect. It was hard enough for me quitting school the one time, but quitting twice was especially painful. Nonetheless, after being away for another five months I came back.

I am now in the midst of Spring Term at BYU and loving it. Because I have been away from school for awhile I have loved being able to learn again, and I have realized how much I love the process of learning despite its many difficulties. Some people that know me think that perhaps I shouldn't be at BYU because of all the issues I have dealt with here, and although I admit being at BYU isn't the easiest place for me to be, or the least painful, there are moments like today when I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude for being able to study at such a place as this. I love the spirit I feel here. I love the beauty of the campus and the kindness of those who work here. I especially love that BYU asks us all to "enter to learn and go forth to serve" because that is what I plan to do after I leave here. No matter what I end up doing, whether it is pursuing graduate studies in counseling or clinical social work, just using my B.S. degree in psychology, or if I get the opportunity to be married and have my own family, I know I will be serving. Helping others gives me great joy and so I know my life will be full of service no matter what.

Looking at where I am in life right now I am amazed at what I have done and what I have gone through. As I see many of my friends from high school graduate from college I have reflected upon the last four years of my life and I almost can't believe all I have had to endure. But the good news is that I DID endure it, and as life continues to fly by and surprise me I thank my Heavenly Father for giving me the opportunities He has given me because I know they have helped me to grow and to serve others now and in the future.

Truly, there is always light after darkness, not just once, but again, and again, and again.

One Last Outing . . .

I was able to spend a couple of hours with my sister Edie, her kids and her husband (not pictured) at the Dinosaur Museum at Thanksgiving Point in Utah. Since Edie and family are moving to Arkansas (today) this was the last time I would see them in awhile. This picture makes me laugh because Bryce saw his dad taking it and wanted in on the fun. (Notice his shifty eyes that always make me laugh.)
We had a lot of fun pretending to be terrified of the giant shark behind us. Good times!
Of course the kids liked the hands-on exhibits the most, and in this one they were able to play with water and sand . . . a kid's dream, right? Anyway, Bryce was a little scared of getting wet and dirty at first and so he needed a little encouragement. He eventually had no problem getting his hands in the water and soon was flicking it everywhere. In this picture he is waving to me and Edie . . . too cute!

I had to take this picture when I saw Bryce looking at the cute baby girl next to him. Ah, young love!
The two brother's, Connor and Bryce, I will really miss them being close to me, but I know they are going to have fun in their new house in Arkansas. I just hope they don't tear down the place too soon. These boys are dangerous.

You've Got to Read this Book!

"No one is exempt from the pain of failing at something . . . except those who leave the most important tasks of mortality to others out of fear of failure. God does not reject us for failing. But He does ask us to buck up to the tasks of learning from our failures, mourning our losses, apologizing for our mistakes, getting help with our setbacks, and thoughtfully, prayerfully, trying again."

The previous quote is from the book "Forgiving Ourselves" by Wendy Ulrich. I bought this book just over a year ago because of the suggestion of a close associate. For some reason it has taken me a year to read it in its entirety, but now that I have finished it I feel an obligation to recommend this book to others since it has given me so many new ideas to think about and has also caused deep reflections. This is a wonderful book that has taught me to think twice about berating myself for my past and to instead start believing the Atonement and move forward. I really LOVE this book and consult it as I continue on the precarious road of self-forgiveness. You won't be disappointed if you read this book; it will touch your heart as it has mine.



This picture is of me and the author of "Forgiving Ourselves," Wendy Ulrich. During Women's Conference at BYU last week she came to the Bookstore to sign copies of her book. I was excited to meet her and I expressed my appreciation and love for her book. She seems to be an extremely kind person herself and I felt love from her as soon as I said "Hi."

I love these boys!!

My brother-in-law Dean is graduating today, and yesterday I had the opportunity to take photos of him and his family next to statues around the Y. I was able to catch Connor and Bryce posing next to the Cougar by the football stadium while Dean was setting the shot up. They are so cute and I love them.

Pressing Forward

"In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
- Gordon B. Hinckley

I have been taught in my life that I must "press forward and endure to the end." Growing up I always interpreted this to mean that no matter what happens in life we need to keep going . . . no giving up and hiding away. However, since I was an older teenager and have been dealing with major personal struggles the concept of "enduring to the end" seemed more like trudging through a swamp. I felt like it was all I could do to just wake up in the morning and make it through another day. I hated that my life felt forced, and that I wasn't very happy. Despite the sadness and frustration that has been in my heart, I have started to hope that perhaps life isn't just meant to be endured, but instead it is meant to be lived. I have tried to remember the scripture 2 Nephi 2:25 that says that "men are that they might have joy," and have tried to seek all that is good in my life by focusing on my blessings and talents. It is not easy, but even in being able to come up with a few things every day that I am grateful for has helped me to keep some perspective in my life.

I invite you to try this too.

Thoughts on Hope from President Uchtdorf

"The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.

Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear. . . "

. . . "To all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.

Never surrender.

Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.

Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart."

-Taken from "The Infinite Power of Hope" (November 2008 Ensign) by President Uchtdorf