Praying to accept change

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."

--Alan Cohen

Ever since I graduated and moved back home to Arizona I have thought a lot about the concept of change and how the "hellos" and "goodbyes" in my life, although numerous and constant, never seem to get easier for me to endure. I have tried to find comfort and peace in my faith and in my knowledge that I was meant to come home, at least for a few months. However, my efforts to accept the changes in my life have proven more difficult than I anticipated and I have yet to accept them. What I do know is that in order for me to move forward in my new life I must "embrace the new" in my life, as this quote suggests. I just hope that time will heal all of the "pains" I am currently enduring as I seek to find meaning in life without school.

San Francisco

My mother and I travelled to San Francisco on May 10-13. This trip was my main graduation gift from my parents and it was a BLAST! Although we didn't have many concrete plans before coming to the city we ended up "winging it" and were successful. Here are some of the hundreds of pictures we took as we explored the "City by the bay."

Just a random storefront that made me laugh. I am not sure whether I want to follow the advice, however.

This is me in front of Coit Tower, one of the tallest landmarks in San Fran. Since my mom and I didn't rent a car we hiked up the many stairs in order to reach the tower. It was a pretty good workout, but the view from the top was worth all of the climbing.

This picture is a view from the very top of Coit Tower. Being at the top reminded me of The Bachelor episode when he took one of the girls here and had dinner. (Don't judge me for watching this rather lame show).

The famous "Lombard Street." It was quite entertaining to watch all of the cars as they navigated their way through this curvy street.

We had lunch at the famous "Boudin" Restaurant--home of the amazing sourdough bread. Mom and I had the bread bowls with clam chowder and it was so good. I wish we would have been able to take a loaf of the bread home, but we really didn't have room for it.

Our greatest adventure was a bike ride over the Golden Gate bridge. We found out about this "blazing saddles" shop as we were walking over to Fisherman's Warf near lunchtime. I probably never would have done it but Mom thought it looked like fun and so we braved the wind and did it. It was totally worth the money.

This picture was actually taken when we got back to the shop after the two hour bike ride.

On the Golden Gate Bridge. The views were incredible since it was such a beautiful day.

As we headed to the bridge we had a girl take our picture. I wish we would have included our bikes in the picture, but at least you can see the bridge in the background. This adventure was one of the highlights of the trip and I would recommend it to anyone.

Of course a trip to San Fran would not be complete without a visit to Ghirardelli Square. You can see how happy I am to visit the chocolate shop. I have a MAJOR sweet tooth and so this place was the perfect site to have a treat after the long bike ride.

Our sundaes were so incredible that a picture was a requirement. My sundae was called the "Haight-Asbury" and supposedly it was the best thing on the menu, according to the guy who sold it to me. I must admit that it was the best sundae I can remember ever eating. YUM!

In Ghirardelli Square there was a cupcake shop. I took this picture in honor of my former roommate Stefi who is a cupcake queen. I miss her and her baking.

Near the end of our long day of touring we took a boat cruise that went under the Golden Gate Bridge and around Alcatraz. Although the trip reminded me of a Disneyland ride my mom and I enjoyed it immensely. It was quite windy outside, but we braved it anyway and had a lot of laughs.

Alcatraz Island, a.k.a "The Rock"

This is a homeless man somewhere around Fisherman's Warf who was having a ball scarring tourists as they walked past his fake bush. It was hilarious watching so many people get really spooked.

Touching the Pacific Ocean

At the end of the day we ate dinner at a place called "Greens," recommended to us by my mother's good friend. It was a vegetarian place near the beach and it was wonderful.

Highlight of day 2 and of the trip was seeing Wicked for the first time. I was so happy to be able to finally see the musical since I have been singing the music since I was a freshman in college.

Chinatown

"The Stinking Rose'--an awesome restaurant that has most everything with lots of garlic. So yummy!

Golden Gate Park

The famous "Summer of Love" street.

A fun mural in Haight-Asbury

I Include a picture of the bus we rode into Haight-Asbury because of the drama we witnessed on our way back to our hotel. Within a minute of boarding the bus a confrontation broke out between two passengers, which resulted in one getting orange juice poured on them by the other. After this happened the women who had the juice on her ran out of the bus screaming, "Call the Police," and the bus soon was out of service and we all got off. Crazy!

This was our doorman at the hotel we stayed at. He was extremely kind and funny.

To end our trip on a funny note this man on our flight home was having a bachelor party on board. To the surprise of all of us he came out of the bathroom at one point with only a speedo on as he handed out peanuts. The cameras came out super fast and I could not believe what I was seeing. This is certainly not something you see everyday. I laughed so hard.

I am a BYU graduate . . . FINALLY!

On April 22 and 23, 2010 I participated in graduation ceremonies for the BYU class of 2010. I received a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology.

Here are some pictures that capture some of the many memories I made on those days.

Y-mountain

The day before graduation my mother took pictures of me around campus. It felt a bit awkward since I was the only one taking pictures, but it was nice not having to stand in line with the hundreds of other graduates at the more "famous" landmarks. This particular picture is taken on a bench next to the art museum gardens.

For my college convocation (Family, Home, and Social Sciences) we filed in through a couple of portals in the Marriott center. It rained that day and so we weren't able to come in through the tunnels on the ground floor.

My parents have been my biggest cheerleaders throughout all five years of my college education. They have always been there for me, and I love them so much.

My sister Gen came was able to come and support me. I love her!

I was so excited that my grandmother Darlene Evans came to my graduation. I have always felt a unique connection to her because my middle name is Darlene. As they called my name to receive my diploma I walked proudly, knowing that my namesake was in the audience. I love her more than I can describe and I will never forget that she was there to support me.

Even though there were over 6000 graduates I ran into two of my roommates (Lauren and Stefi) who also graduated. I love these girls and I miss them already.

As luck would have it, I also ran into Nicole Sheahan, one of the most amazing women I have met since coming to BYU. When I moved into Foxwood condos in 2009 she was my relief society president and we became friends quickly.

Anne Marie and I were in a psych class together this past semester and we worked on several group projects. I was so glad that we found each other before convocation so that we could sit together and keep each other company through the long ceremony.

"The World is Our Campus"

"Enter to Learn, Go Forth to Serve"

BYU has a "victory bell" that they let graduates ring after commencement. I braved the line and gave it a go . . . YEAH FOR GRADUATION!!

If you look closely you can see that this diploma is only a "sample." I feel great now that I know I finished all of my requirements, received passing grades--haha--and my "official" diploma will be mailed out next week.

After both ceremonies were over I took one last look at the Carillon Bell Tower that would play the hymn "Come, Come Ye Saints" at the top of ever hour. I remember getting annoyed at this when I was a freshman, hoping they would play something different. Now that I am done with college and have left BYU I have a deeper appreciation for this tradition.

The first two verses of this hymn have particular meaning to me:

Come, come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear;

But with joy, wend your way.

Though hard to you this journey may appear,

Grace shall be as your day.

’Tis better far for us to strive

Our useless cares from us to drive;

Do this, and joy your hearts will swell

All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?

’Tis not so, all is right.

Why should we think to earn a great reward,

If we now shun the fight?

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take;

Our God will never us forsake,

And soon we’ll have this tale to tell,

All is well! All is well!

Now that the "party" is over I am quietly contemplating the future direction of my life. There is much ambiguity in what I am currently facing, and although it is not the most comfortable feeling in the world I am doing my best to face all the questions with faith.

Thoughts on Graduation

It is now April and in just 13 days I will be graduating from Brigham Young University, a goal I have had for myself since I was a very young girl. It is strange for me to be at this place because I have no precedent for how life will be after college. My entire life up until this point has revolved around academics and academic achievement. Growing up I was seen by my peers as the nerd, the “over-achiever,” and was even voted “most ambitious girl” when I was in 9^th grade. I always had very high expectations for myself and for what I would accomplish in life, and graduating from BYU was just the start.

I came to BYU back in the fall of 2005 very excited to be in college, but at the same time I was extremely naive and honestly thought that my big trials were behind me. I had gone through much in my teenage years and I truly believed that I was on to “bigger and better things.” I dreamed of a boyfriend, eventual marriage, and a bachelor’s degree that would propel me into graduate school immediately. I believed that life was a series of checklists and sort of like a staircase, slowly ascending levels until one reached the top and was “finished.” Very soon into my freshman year my hopes and dreams of a fun-filled, carefree college experience wasted away. Life became very difficult and painful and I was left to wonder why I was so weak to fall into the same pits as I had throughout high school.

I will not bore you or depress you with the details of my trials experienced in the last five years, I only wish to illustrate one of the most important lessons I have learned. Life does not always go as you planned. In fact, life changes so quickly that it is necessary to be flexible and emotionally strong to handle all the changes that come. I have been beaten down many times in the past five years, but I have also learned I am strong and despite the many battles I have fought I have not been kept down. I have never given up all hope, and it is because of my family, friends, and especially the mercy and grace of God that I am alive today. God has been so good to me and I have learned to appreciate the small things in life that contribute to my happiness. Some of these “small things” include appreciating nature, talking with my mom and getting random texts of love from her, flowers in the spring, and talking to my sister and nephews via SKYPE.

I am a much happier and positive person than I have ever been and I know that all I have been through in the past five years, and especially in the past 18 months, has led me to this place of peace. One of my favorite movies is “Life is beautiful,” and it has always amazed me that in a time of unspeakable horror (1940’s and The Holocaust) there can still be beauty. I do believe I understand this concept better now than I did five years ago and it is because of the different perspective I have gained through my many trials. Life is indeed a beautiful thing, and I am learning not to take it for granted. I am nowhere near perfect. I don’t experience being “blissfully happy” every day and I certainly still worry too much. Despite my continued struggles with my many weaknesses I am learning to let go of the obsession more often than I ever have and that is a big step in the right direction.

Life is moving on, and although I don’t have a clear idea of what I am to do next I have faith I will be able to figure it out if only I can continue to rely on God and put my trust in Him.

I will end this post with one of my favorite scriptures from The Book of Mormon. In a very difficult time of my life this once saved me.

"And now, [my daughter], remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

-Helaman 5:12

Happy March!

Yeah for the month of March! Although this will be the busiest month of the semester so far, there are great things happening too. I have birthdays in my family to celebrate and Spring is coming closer and closer. Life has been pretty crazy lately . . . nothing new, I know . . . but even though I have been stressed to the max at times, I have experienced so much joy and even peace-- feelings I know can only come from God.

http://blog.netvibes.com/top-march/

Happy February!

This is just a random post about how I cannot believe it is February already and Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't really have any negative feelings towards this holiday (even though I am single and that is sometimes the "cool" thing to do). I tend to think of Valentine's Day as a way to "spread the love." In fact, just this evening I came home from my leadership development class to find a package from my mom who sent me several gifts in honor of it being February and the month of love. She said, "Valentine's are to tell people you are thinking of them . . . so here's one for you." When I saw that she had sent me some candy and a movie to go along with it I smiled so big and said out loud, "I love my mom," and I really do. I like this idea of the meaning of valentines, and I think I will adopt it.

Show someone you love them today, even if it is just a friend, because everyone needs to smile every day.

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with my life. I wonder why I worry about so many things, especially about exams in school. I wonder why being “perfect” in school is so important to me, even when I know what a small thing it is to have a high GPA and that there is so much more for me to do other than study. I wonder if I will be able to get a job when I graduate in three months, what I will do, where I will live. I am single and this makes my possibilities endless, and this is the reason why I am having such a hard time. I am taking a social psychology class this semester, and one of the first things I read was about the costs of excess choice. In my textbook it says, “With more choice comes information overload and more opportunities for regret,” which is why freedom to choose can be so overwhelming sometimes.

This is where I am right now, and it is such a strange place to be. I have so many things to be grateful for, and so many things to celebrate, like graduating from college. However, being the person I am, I tend to “look beyond the mark” and focus on all that is unknown in my future and it is a scary thing for me. I am trying hard to remain grounded in the strength I have gained, especially in this past year, and allow that to propel myself past all the stress and frustration I am currently feeling. Life is open for me, and although choices can be very scary they can also be liberating, if I make the right ones, so I need to try harder to find the positive and remember how far I have come.

If I am successful at this maybe I will turn a corner and feel excited about what will happen after April 23.