Motivation

"I am a beloved spirit daughter of God, and my life has meaning, purpose, and direction."

My good friend wrote this on my bathroom mirror a couple of weeks ago to lift me up and motivate me right now. Life has been an interesting struggle this year, and especially these past five or six months, but I have been able to get through it all mainly because of the love and support of this one friend. Several Months ago she suggested that I buy dry erase markers to write inspirational and motivational quotes on my mirror, as she has done for a long time. I did and she ended up writing something one evening that made me smile. Over the months there have been occasional messages of hope, and sometimes messages that just would make me laugh. I have loved it.

This particular message hit me very deeply, and almost gave way to tears. It is actually taken from the first sentence of the Relief Society Declaration of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, slightly modified to be more personal of course. It is a beautiful message and I wish the women of the church were reminded of this more often. After I saw it in my bathroom my friend and I talked about it for a few minutes and we both wished we recited it more often. We then reminisced about our days, long ago, in Young Women's (a program for girls ages 12-18 in the LDS church), where we recited the Young Women's Theme every week. I miss that. I miss the power and unity that was felt when everyone said those words out loud together each Sunday. I believe a similar thing could happen with the older women of the church if we did this. 

All I know is I have felt spiritually frustrated lately, and reading this sentence to myself every time I am in my bathroom has helped to lift me up and remind me of who I am, even if it is hard for me to believe or accept sometimes. 

I am a daughter of God.

My life has meaning.

My life has a purpose

and it has a direction . . . 

My quest at this point in my life is to figure out what all of these are for me. It is a challenging time, the "decade of decision," as Elder Robert Hales has said, and boy do some of these decisions weigh heavily on my mind, heart and soul. What I must not forget is God is with me through all of this and that through His love, manifested through the love of others, such as my dear friend who wrote the quote on my mirror, I can do all things.

Life lately

I like to think that my life is relatively boring lately. I have had trouble blogging for awhile, hence only two posts in almost two years . . . Yikes! I will admit it is not because I don't have time, because I have much more free time than when I started the blog in March of 2009.

I started this blog because I was just coming out of a rough few months in my life and I needed a creative outlet that would be a way for me to show that even through much darkness, sadness, and anxiety, there is still hope, healing, and light. Both sides do exist and I wanted to challenge myself, through this blog, to remember those things that would lift me up verses tear me down.

I have failed in this in the past while. I apologize mostly to myself because very few people read this. I have had some family members try to push me to update more often because apparently they like hearing from me, but I have protested inside myself believing I don't have much to say or contribute that would be of any value. I devalue my own life and experiences. I tend to live life through other people, especially in my family, so I don't focus on what is lacking in mine.

Despite all of this, and despite all the darkness that can gather around me, I want to try again. I do want to show myself and the world that I have the ability to see the hope and the good things around me. I know I am very blessed. I know that I have friends and family who love me and I thank God for them. I am amazed at how God continues to place people in my path who genuinely grow to love all of me --even the dark and twisty parts --and who challenge me to be my best self. I am overwhelmed with the love I am shown by these special people in my life and I do not deserve them.

More than anything I am trying to live the serenity prayer. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." The hard part is having wisdom. Perhaps in all of my trials lately, especially since I graduated from BYU, I am being challenged to learn wisdom and especially patience. I am working on not seeing this life as a race against others, although this has been a stumbling block for me my entire life. Comparison games and occasional feelings of inadequacy and even envy have plagued me, especially recently. I recognize this and I pray God will strengthen me to have the courage to move forward in my life, even though it is not following what I would have chosen for myself. However, God knows me and what I need. I am working on trusting in Him.

Adventure is out there . . . now!

This post is just a preview of my massive catch up for the past almost year. I have been silent in the "blog world" for nearly a year now and I really don't have a lot of good excuses. I say a lot because there are some. It has been a rather interesting year--to put it lightly. After months of searching I finally got a job working in a behavioral health treatment center for teens at the end of January and it was a dream come true at first. I loved having a job, I was so excited for all the learning opportunities that awaited me. There was also upsets in my personal life at the time, "relationship-wise" and I just didn't feel like writing publicly about it.

Anyway, the job was incredibly time consuming and especially emotionally draining. I worked an evening shift 2-11pm Sunday-Thursday and so I did not have much of a social life. I learned a ton during the nearly six months I worked at this job, most importantly that I could do an incredibly hard and stressful job and do it successfully. I was good at what I did even though it wasn't the best fit for me in the end.

I prayed a lot during the time I worked as a behavioral health technician and eventually I knew that it was not to be that I stayed in this job long-term but I wondered how I could possibly quit. I am not a quitter by nature. What ended up giving me the strength ultimately was I got called to serve as the relief society president in my single's ward! Ah, I kind of freaked out about that back in June. Anyways, the bishop said that he believed doors would open so things could change for my employment. It was so difficult to figure out what those doors were. I learned that I had to be the one to open them and God gave me the strength and courage to do so. I gave my two weeks' notice without having another job lined up --such a scary thing --but I had to have faith that all would work out. And it did.

Although not in my desired time frame life began to fill up with joy and happiness again. I took a one week vacation to California after my last day at the treatment center and had a blast relaxing with my mom and cousin Dorthea. I went to the beach, a temple session at Newport Beach Temple, and even Disneyland! It was a much needed break.

After I got back from California it was back to job-hunting . . . something I sort of despise. However, I got into the groove pretty quickly and was sending out tons of resumes and coverletters . . . deciding to go for an office job to "figure out" my life-plan which seemed to be frustrated. I prayed hard, and so did my family, that I would find a good job. The awesome thing is it ended up being someone my mom saw at church that ultimately led me to my current job, so YEAH MOM!!! LOVE YA!

I ended up getting a job working at a small accounting firm in Mesa and I am loving it. I love the people I work with and having a 9-5 schedule. I am learning a lot about business and taxes and it will be helpful to me in the future to have these skills. Who knows, I might want to become an accountant!

Either way, it is a good steady job. Having this job gave me the courage to do what I have wanted to do since I graduated from college and moved back home . . . I MOVED OUT! Just last Saturday, October 1st, was moving day. I moved into a small house with a friend from my ward who I have known about a year. We have talked about moving in together since March and I am so happy we did. The house is extremely cute and I cannot wait to post pictures of it.

All in all life has been crazy, but it has been very fun too. I have learned so much this year and I have endured a lot. What I have learned is that I am very grateful to my friends and especially my wonderful family. I really couldn't ask for a better one. They have supported me through all of my ups and downs my entire life, and my parents especially have sacrificed more than I can ever imagine for my happiness. I only hope I can be as good as a parent as they are someday. Life is so open right now, and that makes it both exciting and scary, but I know that God is with me, as well as my family and friends, cheering me on and giving me the energy I need to go forward with faith into more unknown. I have been prepared for this and everything will be ok, even if it isn't perfect or put in a neat order like I want.

Cheers to the next chapter in my life . . . turning 25! (Eeek . . . less than two weeks now), wish me luck.

Gratitude, The Secret to Happiness: 2010

Last year on Thanksgiving I wrote about gratitude being the secret to happiness. This is a phrase that my father came up with when he wrote a talk on the same subject years ago. I believe that there is power in being truly grateful for the things that you are given in life, as well as those things that are just all around you, such as nature. I was inspired by a post by my sister Edie on her blog: http://dandehappenings.blogspot.com/ and so I too will list those things that I am most grateful for at this point in my life.

I love my parents . . . what else is there to say? They have done everything for me. They have given me all I have ever needed and most of what I have wanted it life. I couldn't even begin to list everything because it would take up hundreds of pages probably. They are just awesome people who brought me up in a wonderful, spiritual home where I learned the Gospel of Jesus Christ. (learn more here)

My dad is an amazing man. He is extremely intelligent, but tells corny jokes. He runs like a maniac and is about to run on his seventh continent (Antarctica) this coming February. He loves to memorize poetry and do crossword puzzles every night. I love him for his dedication to the gospel and his family more than anything.

My Mother is equally amazing. She brought up six children. She loves to teach and always does it in a unique and dramatic fashion. Just ask anyone who has ever sat in one of her Relief Society lessons. She is extremely artistic, musical, and poetic, and I have inherited many of these qualities myself . . . not really the artistic side though.

My siblings I am also most grateful for: Ben, David, Edie, Gen, and Jonny (in order of age). They are all great examples of faith, hope, triumph over adversity, loyalty, humor, kindness, and love. We weren't always the closest growing up--mostly because of the age differences between us, but now that we are adults that gap is slowly closing. I couldn't ask for a better family.

My grandparents (on my mother's side). They have always been good examples to me of great faith and perseverance in the face of great difficulties in life. Although my grandfather Ralph is no longer with us in this life I feel his Spirit often. Yesterday would have been their 60th anniversary, but as I told my grandmother they are still married since they were sealed in the Salt Lake City Temple back in 1950, and we will see him again..

I am grateful for my extended family. This is my mother's side and the picture is from 2006

I am grateful for the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ (learn more here). This is a picture of the Sacred Grove where Joseph Smith--the prophet of the restoration, saw God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Because of this Vision The Book of Mormon was eventually brought about and translated and we now have temples to do sacred work for ourselves and for our kindred dead.

I LOVE the temple!

I am grateful for good friends. I have too many to post pictures of, but this is Tori, a long-time friend from high school, taken on the day of her wedding last year.

Marilyn--see last post

I am grateful for music and for my talent for the viola. Music truly has enriched my life and brought me great joy.

I am grateful for education and for the opportunity I had to attend Brigham Young University. I went through a lot of personal difficulties during the five years I was in college but I made it out alive and more resilient than I was before.

I am grateful for freedom and that I live in the United States of America

I am most definitely grateful for babies (especially the ones I am related to)

I am grateful for the beauty and grandeur of God's creations (Niagra Falls pictured here)

The Grand Canyon

I LOVE sunsets! Just ask anyone who is really close to me and they will tell you that if I can I will stop what I am doing just to stare at one. God is truly a great artist. These sunsets can take my breath away sometimes and it is a gift to be able to witness them.

I am grateful for snow, even though it is nasty to drive through. Living in AZ again has made me forget about how cold it is, but I just love when it falls and the world seems so peaceful

I am grateful I have been able to travel. Here I am on top of a castle in Germany

In Holland
Paris, France

It might seem silly, but I am grateful for Harry Potter (and for books in general). I first read Harry Potter when I was 12 years old and just starting junior high. To me they represent my adolescence and whenever I want to escape I re-read these books. Reading is one of my joys and I am grateful I have the opportunity to read more for pleasure now that I am out of school.

As it is Thanksgiving I am grateful for good food, and for being able to have food on a daily basis. I know I take it for granted and it is what keeps me going (physically) from day to day.

Good desserts are also good for the soul

In conclusion, I am grateful for the opportunities I have to experience joy on a day to day basis. This picture was taken my very first semester at BYU back in 2005. It represents joy for me because I was going through a very hard time at that point in my life, but I was able to step back from all of the sadness and stress and throw leaves in the air in front of my dorm. There is always something to be joyful about.

HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY MARILYN!----A tribute to a long-time friend

One of my best friends turns 25 today and I wanted to let her, and the world know (well, whoever reads this post) how much I love her.

(This picture was taken just a month ago right before my 24th birthday)

Marilyn and I go WAY back. I first met her when I was in 8th grade and involved in a city-wide junior high honor orchestra. She got first chair and I got second. Knowing nothing about her I despised her simply because she had beaten me in the chair audition. (I was so full of my self back then). Anyway, when I got to Westwood high school two years later we were re-introduced and the rivalry began fast. Despite this initial competitiveness between the two of us we quickly set aside our rivalry and came together. We practiced together for Regional and All-State auditions for 2003 and became best friends. During high school we were almost inseparable. When we would go out there were times we were asked if we were sisters or even twins! Fun times!.

Our love of the viola and music bonded us together but somehow we knew we would be friends forever.

I know that sounds way cheesy, but I think some friendships have the power to last, and this one has sure proved it. We have been through a lot together, and in our own individual lives--especially in the past five years or so--but through it all we still keep in touch and get together when we can. I am not proud that I haven't kept in better contact but I just am so grateful that when we do get together we are still close.

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY my dear friend! And enjoy these blast from the past pics!

Westwood High School Orchestra 2003

High School Disneyland trip 2003

"Goodbye" photo shoot before Marilyn left for NAU, fall '04

My visit to NAU--October 2004. This is where Marilyn first introduced me to her boyfriend Andrew who she would marry less than two years later!

The picture was taken around New Years 2006 right after Marilyn came home from her trip to England and told me she was finally engaged!

Wedding Bells: April 14, 2006. I flew down from BYU for less than two days so I could be there for her special day. Although I couldn't yet go inside the Mesa, Arizona Temple I stood outside waiting for her and Andrew to come out and I attended their reception. It was lovely and I treasure the memory.

After Marilyn got married she moved to England for two years and while she was there she had her first child. When she moved back to AZ in 2008 we didn't have much time together because I moved back up to Utah just a couple of months later. This picture was taken as we were saying "goodbye" yet again.

This picture was taken just last Christmas at my home in Mesa, AZ. Although she is married and has two children we still find things to talk about. I have been especially grateful to be near her now that I have moved back to Arizona after graduating from BYU. Just a couple of weeks ago I babysat her children and as I think about it now it is pretty amazing just how far we have come in our lives and as friends. I can recall that back in high school Marilyn was convinced that I would get married first and have children because she was going on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints! I just love how God surprises us and laughs when we make our "plans."

Bottom line: I am grateful for Marilyn and for our long-lasting friendship . . . 8 years and still going strong.

Gratitude

One of my goals is to post more often on this blog and having "gratitude posts" will make this easier. Here is my first:

I am so very grateful to my wonderful family. They mean everything to me and are the source of my greatest joy and happiness. Although my life is full of many uncertainties at this point--who's life isn't?--they are always there for me and I know I have people who will be there for me no matter what happens in my life.

(Here is my family, + Julius on my 24th birthday. . . my dad is taking the picture) Although my sister Edie and brother David are not pictured, I love them and I am so grateful for them also.

"Living Life Beyond the Dreams"

HAPPY OCTOBER! (Hopefully it will feel like Fall soon)

*I apologize for the lack of posting for the past several months. There really isn't any good reason since I have had more free time in the past several months than I have had in years. I guess I have been constantly re-evaluating my life without school and whenever I would feel like posting some of my feelings I would analyze them too much and change my mind. I don't expect that anyone has really noticed, but I feel a bit guilty nonetheless.

Although it is October 1, here in sunny Mesa, AZ the high hit 106 again today. We have been having unseasonably warm weather lately, but I am hoping that it will cool down soon. Since I lived in Utah for the past few Autumns I had forgotten that the "seasons" are a little different here in the desert. Ah well, I need to remember to detach my emotions from the weather.

LIFE IS GOOD,

even despite the seemingly never-ending heat, and I have MUCH to be grateful for. .

I have been able to have a ton of fun with my family since I graduated and moved home. Although all of us "kids" are adults now, several of us moved home and we have a full house once again. There is A LOT of laughter and it has been so enjoyable and very good for the my soul. My family means everything to me and it has been great spending more time with them. I just wish I could see my married siblings and their families often too.

Just recently I came across a journal entry I wrote one year ago. I wrote about all of my worries regarding graduating and if I would have a job when I graduated (HA!), I also talked about once I graduated I would have to "learn to live beyond [my] dreams," since graduating from BYU was such a big goal my entire life. I chuckled when I re-read this because I have always tried to control and plan out my life, being constantly scared of living life beyond what I plan. No matter how often I remind myself that most things in life are out of our control I still do my best to predict success. I think God smiles when I do this.

I am so grateful for being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am grateful for my knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, for my testimony of The Book of Mormon and of the reality of God and Jesus Christ. I feel overwhelmed with love and gratitude that I am alive today and that I was able to listen to God’s Spirit even in the darkest and most terrifying moments of my life. I am not sure why I was able to live when so many give in to the darkness, but I hope that I can honor God with how I live my life now since it is such a gift, and always has been.

I am continually humbled by my humanity and its accompanying weaknesses. (I seem to come across more of them lately : ) I know it is a temptation of mine to look on the negative side of this knowledge and wallow in sadness because of my many short-comings, but I am fighting this urge of mine. I am a child of God, and despite my humanity my weaknesses can become strengths if/when I “humble myself before [God], and have faith in [him],” as Ether 12:27 directs. I am doing my best to apply this scipture to my life so that I can become strong.

I must never forget to see the positives in life because there is so much light and goodness in the world today, even if I must look a little harder to find it.

Here's to really living life!